Bad Poetry Contest Submissions - Group 12

Here is the twelfth set of entries we've received for our SpendOnLife bad poetry contest. Enjoy!

#111 - In the Red

Cash is green
And I am blue.
What happened to my budget?
If I only knew.

Its in black and white
That I’m in the red.
Phone calls and mail
Are now things that I dread.
 
Someday my finances
Will be back in the pink.
Being in debt
Just totally stinks!!

#112 - Free Money

In the mail it came
    with only my name
How special I felt
    the girls, they will melt
 
I went to the store
    and burst in  the door
New things I did find
    I was out of my mind
 
I then returned home
    I picked up my phone
Great fun I did seek
    for the end of the week
   
What a blast I did have
    charging my tab
A rich man it seems
    fulfilling my dreams
   
I recovered in time
    totally in my prime
The fun that was done
    with unlimited funds
 
Later on that week
    as I rose from my sleep
I picked up my mail
    exhausted and pale
 
What was this I see
    as I feel to my knee
At this late hour
    my stomach turned sour
 
No money  have I
    as I let out a sigh
The party is over
    no longer a rover
 
Years will pass
    as my bills do amass
the hole gets deeper
    steeper and steeper
 
A hard lesson  I learned
    nothing is unearned
I will find my way out
    and again be about 

#113 - Regrets

They sent me offers by the score
I reveled in their pre-approval
I did not anticipate
My reputational removal

I did not at all foresee my
Spending's consequences
Else my money wouldn't now be
Strictly in past tenses

They made it easy to get stuff
I really thought I wanted
But now my wallet's empty, dark,
I think may be haunted

I really thought I needed stuff
It seems I was mistaken
The pile has grown, the space has shrunk
And i cannot buy bacon

Okay, the imagery is thin
But then so is my wallet
Could I get money for my crap
I would sure enough sell it.

#114 - Bill Juggles the Clown

This is a tale of Bill Juggles the clown
Juggling bills as he wore a big frown
If I pay Citi Bank the AMEX must wait
Send in the mortgage before it’s too late
If I am late they will charge even more
Of what I don’t have to pay with it for
Should I pay the consumers electric or not
If I don’t the electric stove won’t get hot
I can’t take hot showers or turn on a light
I better pay the electric alright
What about internet I need for my job
Reviewing my cable bill I’m being robbed
All the fees are outrageous the balance too high
I won’t pay this all off until after I die
On top of his tomb stone that isn’t quite paid for
His epitaph reads:
I couldn’t afford more
Bill Juggles the Clown
May he now rest in peace
For only 6 years
Because the caskets a lease

#115 - Who's Calling

Dear Discover, Visa & Mastercard
charging them up wasn't so hard
paying them off is more difficult to do
my world is overflowing with I OWE U's
Home phone rings,it's the bank again
wondering if I have money to send
some cash into their greedy paws
yes I know I'm the problem's cause
A bang on the door, who could it be?
Why the friendly repo man to visit me!
Come to take away my nice new car
Unemployed now but I can walk to the bar
Cell phone cut off for 2 months unpaid
''C U L8R'' texting & chatting I'm afraid
Door bell rings, now who could it be?
The mailman with "Past Due" bills for me!

#116 - Untitled

Welcome to college, the bankers they said, They gave me a card and it went to my head.
Charge it I screamed, as I ran through the mall A downward spiral, I was sure to fall.
So tuition is due and i pull out my card The interest I know, will hit me so hard.

Now I study so much and eat Ramen for snacks, My pockets are empty, there's holes in my slacks.
Im walking to class because my car just wont run Those credit cards have showed me no fun.

The wireless I pirated from the neighbors next door, has been taken away and available no more.
I cant even google how to get out of debt, But the powers not shut off, at least not yet.

I work all day for a minimum wage
Those bankers have put me in a mad rage
"I'm 19!" I scream when the collectors they ring, Read the fine print they carelessly sing.

#117 - Devil, Thy Name Be Credit Cards

My credit cards are shiny and swipe with great ease, But the bills I receive each month bring me to my knees.
The mailbox is crammed with due dates and dollars And my answering machine is filled with angry callers That demand payment now and scream and holler, But it’s an exercise in futility as my bank balance grows smaller.
So, I toil each day working hard at my job, But the amount on my paycheck causes me to sob.
There’s so much money taken out for taxes, There’s hardly enough to cover my bikini waxes.
So, I scrimp and I save and forgo many things, But at the end of the month the balance still stings.
So, today I’ve decided to take a drastic measure That sadly will not give me any pleasure.
I’m going to take scissors and cut them all in half And I’ll be the one who has the last laugh, Because once they can’t be swiped my spending will ebb, Unless, of course, I can find a connection to the web.

#118 - Ballad of Bob the Bill Dodger

I wrote a massive epic poem
To help dissolve my debt;
A contest I had seen online
Seemed like a surefire bet.

They promised fame and fortune
To the tune of a thousand bucks,
And it had been nary many a year
Since I'd had any amount of luck.

So, I toiled and toiled,
Till sweat ran down my spine.
I rhymed and I free-versed,
Through hundreds of lines.

I haikued and sonneted,
And when I was done,
Had a twenty-page monster
That I knew was the one.

I proofread my baby profusely,
I spoke it again and again;
I showed it to dozens of people,
Heard time after time that I'd win.

The deadline's date was fast approaching.
I knew there wasn't much time to spare,
But I wanted to be careful
And leave no gerunds dangling there.

I stared at my 1985 screen
My mind on a hellbent track--
This was my one chance at rightfully putting
The MasterCard bill in the black.

The amber cursor began laughing at me
Then twirling in Fantasia style;
I slipped right into deep dreamland
Oblivious, all the while.

Hours later, I awoke,
To realize I'd slept all night.
The day of the deadline was here, at last!
I'd almost let it slip by!

I peeled my face off the "Qwerty",
And wiped the drool from my chin.
My day was finally here!
Now or never, sink or swim!

I reloaded the contest entry page,
And left to make some hot tea
(I knew the page would be loaded
By the time I'd drunk it and peed.)

I ventured back into the cave
Wherein I'd spent the last weeks.
I saw my old friend "Error 404",
And emitted some bloodcurdling shrieks.

I typed and entered,
I F4-ed and cleared;
I begged and I pleaded,
But nothing appeared.

Versions of my poem stared back at me
From the reams of paper on my desk,
But nothing I could do could send them
To the editor for the final test.

I had the address, I had the poem,
But never the twain could meet!
How could I be so stupid and wait?
This surely meant utter defeat!

I banged my head against the desk
Until I heard little bells chime.
Then suddenly, I realized,
They weren't only in my mind.

I staggered to my feet, still upset,
But remembered to close my robe.
I met the mailman at the door,
With my spinning frontal lobe.

He handed me a stack of yellow bills,
No giant suprise there, of course,
"But one," he said, "Must be signed for. AGAIN."
His rolling eyes lacked remorse.

I scrawled my name onto his chart,
He faked a, "Have a nice day."
I opened up each dated envelope
From the people I'd probably not pay.

The special one, I saved for last,
Figuring I'd know soon enough.
It wasn't like I could do anything
To help them, or call their bluff.

When I finally got to the fancy-pants note,
The story became all too clear.
"We regret to inform you, blah blah blah,
But you've missed three payments this year."

I wasn't overly anxious,
Didn't harbor any major regrets;
Until I read the name of the company
Written below all the threats.

I'm here to tell you, boys and girls,
Empty-pursed ladies and busted gents,
If you intend to be saved by an online means,
Make sure you pay for the 'Net.

#119 - Innocence

If I had innocence
I would be a piggy bank
Rattling within
Tinkling and tinkling
Until I was fill to the brim.
But the pig oinks
In the red bills I receive
And making money
Is just not something I achieve.
For I don’t have
The inner sense
To make dollars
Or coin a phase that purrs
Like a fat cat wallet
Walking on the fence
Of houses to be let
Between fraudulent curs
Barking and wagering
What will go for a song.
So give me another shout,
My dollars are out
And I don’t have innocence
For I’m not a piggy bank
Rattling within
Tinkling and tinkling
Until I am fill to the brim
My glass is all drank
And I need another to win
So I can get over feeling dim.

#120 - Cooked Goose

Our financial situation has caused us much regret
Still the bills are not done piling up as of yet
And it's with much sadness I say
That we haven't found the goose that will lay
The golden egg that will allow us to pay off our debt